Over the past three years, I’ve played approximately 4,000 hours of a video game called Slay the Spire. Okay, I don’t do approximations, so the exact play time, according to my steam library, is 4,691.8 hours, although to be fair, the game records play time whenever my computer is open and the game is also open. This is not a brag, I’m not any good at this game, by which I mean I have not unlocked all the achievements. I just find repetition to be so very comforting and relaxing. The game is a simple deck building game. You start with five strike cards that deal damage and five defend cards that block damage, navigating a map where you battle monsters while gaining new cards, upgrading skills, and having random events that change the course of the game. It is randomized, so it’s different every time, although there are particular card and relic combinations that soothe my soul. Normally, the game has three levels, each level containing a map that gets progressively more difficult with a boss monster at the end. Every boss requires a different gaming strategy. I play this game in endless mode, which means that after I reach the final boss, if I’m able to beat it, I essentially restart the game with more difficult playing conditions. I play until I die, and then I start over and then I play until I die, and then I start over. This is my comfortiest of comforts.

If you have recommendations for video games I can play on my computer, I’ll gladly take them - although I make no promises that I will follow through and try new things.

If I’m not at work, then I’m at the gym. If I’m not at the gym, then I’m in a writing workshop. And if I’m not here or there, I’m playing this game. I play it at home in between writing, in between doing chores, while watching television. I am willing to try other games, and have, in the past three years, branched out into other things, but I come back to this. Before Slay the Spire, there was a video game called Spelunky, which was an adventure platformer, with randomly generated dungeons, that I played just as obsessively, although I don’t recall what my overall hours were in that game.

Here’s the thing. When I play this game, there’s a slight cheat code. If I mess up, play the wrong card, accidentally press end turn before it’s actually over, I can go to settings, save and quit, and start the level all over. I can learn from my mistakes and approach the level using a different strategy, and succeed where I previously failed.

I can have an immediate redo to all of my fuckups, which would be a satisfying feature to real life, especially in social interactions where I so often say the wrong thing, or rather don’t say the right one. I’m still learning that social interactions aren’t a video game, aren’t a constant test of my capacity/skills/character. I am learning that a fumble won’t result in a death screen. There is no right or wrong thing, there’s only trying my best, whatever that looks like on any given day, and then again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. There’s self flagellation and self congratulation, but mostly creating space for myself where I breathe, and give myself grace and love and patience. I remind myself that other people are also doing this whole life thing for the first time, and I do my best to give them grace and love and patience. Life isn’t actually a video game, and if it was, it’s definitely not the kind of video game that has reset points or save points, even though I do continue to learn things to take into the next level with me. At least I try, and I think that counts for something.